WARNING!
I’m… working on stuff. So the site may explode or look ridiculous for a while.
This is your world: Vegetable Lamb of Tartary
Sometimes – just SOMETIMES – I regret living in the post-Scientific Revolution era. Sure, I like sanitation and the germ theory of disease and air planes and HDTV and all of that, but those goodies come at a price. That price is the fact that we live in a world where we rarely accept things without evidence (except when it comes from talk radio or cable news).
The result?
You and I live in a world where we DON’T believe in lots of weird and wonderful things.
For example, we don’t believe that some lambs are the fruit of a magical super-plant.
No, really.
In an effort to figure out why cotton exists, medieval “scientists” decided that the best possible explanation was that a special kind of lamb sprouted from a plant and was connected to to that plant by an umbilical cord. The Vegetable Lamb spent its life grazing about its host-plant and – once the plant died – the lamb died, leaving behind cotton.
THAT’s what science used to be like. Totally insane, comic-book crazy explanations for EVERYTHING.
And I CHALLENGE you to tell me you’d rather live in a world where cotton comes from a stupid, boring little bush rather than from an insane plant/animal hybrid that exists in a legendary far-off land.
I’m a pretend expert.
Oscar time is upon us and – like so many self-absorbed delusionals – I feel the need to prognosticate.
Best Picture
Who will win: Inglourious Basterds
I know everyone is saying Hurt Locker, but I’ve just got a hunch that Tarantino will score a dark horse victory here.
Who SHOULD win: Precious
I honestly can’t understand how anyone could have seen this film and come away convinced that any other picture this year was better.
Actor in a Leading Role
Who will win: Colin Firth
Who SHOULD win: Colin Firth, George Clooney or Jeff Bridges
Morgan Freeman was good, but you shouldn’t win an Oscar simply because you already looked like the guy you’re portraying.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Who will win: Christoph Waltz
Who SHOULD win: Cristoph Waltz
The other nominees should just stay home.
Actress in a Leading Role
Who will win: Sandra Bullock
Who SHOULD win: Gabourey Sidibe
I actually think there’s a good chance of things breaking the right way and giving Gabourey Sidibe the nod, but there seems to be a lot of energy in favor of rewarding Sandra Bullock for finally making a movie that wasn’t terrible. I’d put it at 60/40 in favor of the wrong actress winning.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Who will win: Mo’Nique
Who SHOULD win: Mo’Nique
Her performance towers above every other nominee.
Animated Feature Film
Who will win: Up
Who SHOULD win: The Secret of Kells
I LOVED Up, but The Secret of Kells is just a better film with a more unique creative vision. I can actually see it winning in an upset if enough Academy voters bothered to watch it.
Directing
Who will win: Quentin Tarantino
Who SHOULD win: Lee Daniels
I have to go with Tarantino since I’m going with Inglourious Basterds for Best Picture because you almost never see the award go to the director of something else. That being said, Lee Daniels work on Precious was amazing. To craft a believable version of the world in the midst of a story so horrific that is punctuated by honest moments of joy and humor AND that’s informed by an overarching sense of hope is borderline miraculous.
Documentary Feature
Who will win: The Cove
Who SHOULD win: The Cove
There’s a chance of Food, Inc. winning because there are lots of stupid people in the world.
Adapted Screenplay
Who will win: Precious
Who SHOULD win: Precious
Original Screenplay
Who will win: The Hurt Locker
Who SHOULD win: The Hurt Locker or A Serious Man